


Jedi don't pray

by OliveBranch_10



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anakin Skywalker Needs a Hug, Anxiety, Canon Rewrite, Hurt Anakin Skywalker, Hurt No Comfort, Insanity, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mental Health Issues, Sad Ending, Sith Ahsoka Tano, Sith Obi-Wan Kenobi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:26:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25578031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OliveBranch_10/pseuds/OliveBranch_10
Summary: Anakin feels fear cling to his bones. He prays to the Jedi of old, his forgotten gods of Tatooine, and begs the memory of his mother, that this is to pass. The dreams and flashes of Obi-wan towering over them, screaming that they’re all tainted and causes of this never-ending war, stick to his mind like glue. He doesn’t speak of it.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker & Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala & Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala & Obi-Wan Kenobi & Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 120





	Jedi don't pray

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is, mental shit yet

Just because they notice the rashness, the aggressive way he angles his body, or the way he snarls at council decisions, doesn’t mean they speak of it. Soft hushed conversations in the hallways and glances when he walks past them, but no one speaks of the way Obi-wan has grown tense, become a shadow of himself, they blame the war and believe he will recover once it is over.

The war causes all of them to long for peace, Obi-wan just has a peculiar way of showing, they say, let him be for it will surely pass.

Anakin feels fear cling to his bones. He prays to the Jedi of old, his forgotten gods of Tatooine, and begs the memory of his mother, that this is to pass. The dreams and flashes of Obi-wan towering over them, screaming that they’re all tainted and causes of this never-ending war, stick to his mind like glue. He doesn’t speak of it.

Nor does he speak of the battles they face together. Until it happens. It’s barely a flicker, and Anakin forces himself to believe its the light, the low hanging sun reflecting. There is no world, no universe where Obi-wan would fall, where his eyes would shine golden like the halo of the sun. He denies the thoughts trying to peak in his mind. Obi-wan is the light, and if he were to fall they were all doomed. It is just the reflection of light, that’s all.

It doesn’t end there.

The fallouts get worse. The anger hanging around Obi-wan suffocates him, cloaks him completely and Anakin is struggling to find the brightness of his master in this man, this shadow of a person he used to know. He asked him once, just once, what was on his mind for it was too clouded. Obi-wan had laughed, a deep bitter thing that made the hairs on Anakin’s arms rise.

“I wish the world was as simple as they make it seem, dear one, but to be fair we are all the cause of our own destruction. The CIS, the Jedi, even the sith. None of it is holy, but only some dare to be honest about it.”He doesn’t ask again (the words remind him too much of the dreams he’s denying.)

His gods don’t answer, nor do the Jedi of old offer any advice.

His mother doesn’t answer either.

—

There’s a battle, and another one. They never seem to end.

He confesses to Padmé that he can’t tell them apart anymore and even through the holo he can see her brows furrow. “I talked to Obi-wan” she mumbles and he can’t help but notice the lack of real answer to his worries, “he expressed the same feelings, and I can’t help but think Ani, that the republic is clinging to the old ways” He feels the blood run cold in his veins, flashes of dreams of Obi-wan expressing the same things. “Padmé the republic is your dream.” She frowns and he can see her reach for the exit button, “No Anakin, true freedom is” And with a soft click the connection ends, and not even the soft glow of space through his window seems to brighten his mood.

King of the stars and yet he feels more lonely than ever. 

—

Obi-wan vanished on a planet whose name Anakin can’t even remember. He cries silently and while the others investigate, plan a rescue mission he knows its useless. Obi-wan is gone to a place beyond their reach. He said his goodbyes, before any of them knew it, before they were ready.

_“There isn't always a choice in life, Anakin" Obi-wan whispered softly in his ear, while Anakin clung to his robes like he was suddenly the lost young padawan again, taking advantage of the freely offered affection. “The force has plans for me.” He muttered, and Anakin refused to understand what it means. He feels Obi-wan pull, feels him let go and not just of the embrace. "Please," Anakin mutters, "please don't go where i can't follow"._

_“I’ll see you soon my dear one"_ —

There is an Anakin before he became Obi-wan’s padawan, he was a sullen angry boy that hated a world he didn’t understand and yet a positive sweet soul. Then there’s Anakin who was Obi-wan’s padawan, who wanted to see the world, learn its secrets and try to master those, he was brash and wild, still angry but also full of love. Then there’s Anakin after Obi-wan abandoned him. The chosen one who realized he was lacking and would become the perfect Jedi his master was supposed to be. He would win this war, he would win and convince Obi-wan to come back home.

—

He was not winning, to make it worse, Anakin is losing. Not just Obi-wan disappeared but the whole 212th. And when they reappeared with them destruction rose. The Jedi couldn’t trace him, no one could beat them. They were loyal to the default, ruthless and wilder without the Jedi morals holding them back. Obi-wan and Anakin cross blades constantly, Anakin chases him, solely to meet on battlefields, he wants to ask why this is more important to his master than his but it before he can it ends in destruction and a stalemate. Wasn’t I good enough for you?Why didn’t you take me with you?Talk to me!He never says any of them, instead he dreams of himself — dead in Obi-wan’s arms but at least he’s smiling. 

— 

He knows he’s a terrible Master to his padawan, not only did he force her to rush to galaxies to hunt down Obi-wan, he doesn’t notice her slipping nor does he see the dark circles and the sneaking off to, as Anakin later figured out, watch holos that Obi-wan sent. To persuade her, convince her or corrupt her - He doesn’t know what to call it, but Ahsoka leaves without a trace. They docked on Mandalore, and she hugged him, smiled and walked to the shops like she always did. The 501 and Anakin nearly burned the planet down, but she was nowhere. He looks for her all over the galaxy, but it’s like she never existed.

His desire to bring his family home, to win the war for them, is the only thing that keeps him going.He’s stretched thin.

Rex forces him off the dock, to rest and get to his head back on straight. Of course that’s when Obi-wan sends him a recorded holo. At first he can’t focus because all he sees is her standing in the back. There’s no explanation, none whatsoever and all Anakin feels is rage, and how can the world be so cruel to him; that the man who means the world to him, is suddenly keen on destroying his world. It seems unfair, and he doesn’t understand. He’s fighting for the people, for the republic that wants what’s best for its citizens. This is what Obi-wan always taught him.

In the next battle with Obi-wan he fully loses it. The fear and anger boil in his veins, and suddenly he’s screaming and cursing Obi-wan for taking all he loves, all he wanted, and all Obi-wan wanted him to be. Yet the only thing his master says is "just you wait."

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Two days after the battle, Naboo joins the separatists with Padmé at the helm. Anakin can only stare, the world feels cold and all that’s good has abandoned him, only partly does he catch the words of Padmé’s speech, “T _he republic has betrayed all that is good and honest about democracy. Using the Jedi as their personal weapons to force us to follow their command. We say: no more._ ” First his master, then his padawan and now his best friend, fine then, he thinks, fine then. He will show them, he’ll show that he’s worthy of them. 

He’s the chosen one but Anakin slowly realizes that he has yet to make a choice of his own. 

It’s too bad he had to lose his sanity first.

——

“Rex” he mutters, holding a bottle of Coruscant whiskey, “would you follow me into the dark?” He knows his captain would, but the affirmative hum eases his drunk nerves and with the liquid courage in his veins he marches towards the senator’s office. The man would know reason and if there was someone who would help him understand his own jumbling thoughts it would be Palpatine. It’s when Anakin reaches the office that his bravery takes a dive and it is only because he slows down that he notices the second person in the room. Dooku is standing there and all Anakin can think is: not him too, not another of my people lost. He choses to be rational and listens.It appears Palpatine was never one of his people to begin with. Whoever Palpatine was other than Darth Sidious. He gives Rex the coordinates to unclaimed territory of open space.

It is the only he can trust, clones are loyal to a fault.

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It’s in open space that Obi-wan tricks him; he doesn’t know how it happens. One minute he’s in a solo fighter checking out a shipwreck, Anakin knew he should’ve let the others do it but the responsibility combined with what Rex called his ‘self destructive streak’ made him do it anyway, Obi-wan probably anticipated that.

He doesn’t know how he ended up in the cell of a stolen ship. It doesn’t matter much anyway considering Obi-wan, golden eyes and all, is standing in front of the bars. 

“It’s been awhile, Anakin.”

If he closed his eyes it would be as the old days, but the golden eyes are burned across his eyelids. “So tell me Obi-wan, are you aware that the war is just a bullshit scheme and that both sides are controlled by a madman who wants to rule a broken empire?” Anakin grins at his previous master, unaware of the flickering of his own eyes, “or was that just me?” The unreadable look on Obi-wan’s face makes him laugh, and he walks closer to the bars and he’s almost touching him.

“It seems that Palpatine is actually the Sith Lord that orders Dooku around, bet you didn’t see that one coming?” 

Obi-wan purses his lips, and Anakin believes it to be a sign of surprise, it has to be.

“Yeah I was surprised too until I saw it, did you ever ask Dooku who he was following? Or were you too busy making me miserable?” In his anger he doesn’t think and grabs the bars in front of him, trying to reach for Obi-wan, when the electricity hits.

It goes dark; he’s never been fond of electrocution.

—

When he wakes up, it’s Ahsoka standing next to his cell. She doesn’t speak and neither does he, but he glowers. Her eyes aren’t golden but he can feel the darkness in her presence, its muddy and feels like he’s treading unknown waters. And yet, it still feels familiar. He hates that even more. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry that I didn’t tell you before I left. I can see now that it hurt you.” She seems mournful but all Anakin wants is to spit at her feet, “Should’ve thought of that before you stabbed me in the back.” He turns to his side and refuses to look at her for another second. 

There is a boiling in his gut that frightens him, a rage so overwhelming that he will lose his grip on all that he is.

He ignores it.

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Next is Padmé, one of the clones brings a holopad and when she appears all Anakin does is yell and scream, he vomits and faints in the end, with his face red, eyes puffy and spittle covering his chin.

He never even let her talk.

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Obi-wan returns again after leaving him alone with his thoughts for five days, and then he offers Anakin nothing but pity.It’s that moment that he loses it. He spent his days trying to become calm, to find his inner center only to discover it was broken.

‘I am one with the force and the force is with me’ 

Jedi don’t pray. They have no gods, nor do they believe in any old myths. All they have is the force. Even though, Anakin prayed, no one answered. And with no one to answer his prayers it is the force he becomes.

Jedi don’t pray, but they should.

-//-

It’s sad, for many occurrences rely on destiny, and no scheming can ever keep up with the everlasting unknown. For all their planning no one could predict that it was not the war but the heartbreak that would destroy Anakin.

Because Anakin didn’t know that Dooku died when he was in open space. He didn’t know that Padmé declared herself the leader of the separatists.

Nor does he know that Yoda and Mace Windu received an unknown message about Senator Palpatine, leading to his demise.

All Anakin knows is the force, for the force chose him, while all the others betrayed him.

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Many said that Obi-wan was seen as the light than Anakin was a black hole. And while Obi-wan diminished and left behind a dark and lonely world, Anakin exploded and left nothing but destruction.

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He’s a supernova, a bomb no one knew was ticking and Obi-wan feels the crushing of defeat, the preexistence of coming grief etch itself in his wary bones. He doesn’t weep when he slides his lightsaber between his Padawan’s ribs, he doesn’t allow himself to be. There is divine punishment for those who do the unspeakable and he will welcome it.

This was his mistake, his to fix and his burden to carry. .

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_“I should’ve taken you with me”_

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Some say a collapsing star can create a black hole, it’s a rare occasion but it can occur.

**Author's Note:**

> hit me with prompts at tumblr @anakinskywalkher <3


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